Why Your Horse Says “No”:

Understanding Fear, Trust, and the Hidden Question Behind Every Refusal

What do you do when your horse says no?

Your horse refuses to enter the starting gate…

They won’t go near the judge’s booth…

They hate Liverpools…

Do you make them?

Do you ask them to try?

If you were afraid of spiders and someone asked you to hold their pet tarantula, would you?

If they forced you into a tiny room with it and shut the door, how would you feel? Heart racing? Muscles tight? And would that actually help you overcome your fear?

But if they simply asked you to get a little more comfortable by watching them handle it, you might soften. Still — unless you had a deeper purpose, you wouldn’t be eager to try. And if you sensed pressure or desperation from them, trust would evaporate with a hard no.

With horses, it’s no different — but here’s the part most people miss:

Before your horse says “no,” they’ve already asked “why?”

It’s easy to get hung up on the no because it’s obvious. But before stress, resistance, and tension show up, curiosity was there first.

That’s the magic moment.

Miss it, and you miss the chance to build trust. Rush it, and you turn to tactics, tricks, and coercion.

Back to the spider example:

If the person told you they needed you to hold it to win a game, would that motivate you?

Probably not.

But if they said this spider was endangered and they were creating a campaign to protect the species — and they needed your help — you might feel a meaningful reason to try.

Your horse is even more perceptive than you are.

They feel your why before you do.

If you don’t know your why, then no matter how softly you ask, they won’t trust the request.

Become the friend your horse turns to when they’re unsure — and give them the pause they need to answer their why.

Next time your horse hesitates, instead of immediately asking them to try, practice this equine trust-building exercise:

Pause & Inhale

Take a moment to look at your horse as you inhale.

Settle & Exhale

Feel your feet as you look toward the object of their attention…

Inquire & Listen

Join your horse in their curiosity. Ponder the object in question. What is its purpose? What is the underlying drive beneath the surface? The deeper you dig, the closer you will get to the answer.

"If your horse says no, you either asked the wrong question, or asked the question wrong."—Pat Parelli

Pause for the why and you will open the door to a creative how—building your horse’s trust in you so securely that “no” will cease to exist.

What creative how will unfold for you?

Share your experiences in the comments below.